I think is hard to describe love. It´s much easier to describe the pain and void inside you after you cannot participate in the love any more. I remember when I first felt that emptiness inside me. I was 12 years old and left the summer camp. I even wrote a very pathetic status on my Facebook about my pain in the chest caused by a lack of my lovely summer friends. It was unbearable to keep it inside me. That was maybe the first time I realize that emotions are physical states, not just inside processes. This inner void that you experience when you lose someone or leave them, means that you loved. Yes, some people might describe love as the feeling like „butterflies inside your belly“ or „head in the clouds“ but I think it´s hard to differentiate this from a short-term craziness. How can you describe something that you cannot explain? I have the „butterflies“ feeling after I combine beer with ice cream, does it mean that I loved? I don´t want to describe something so abstract. Even though I believe in the love and the crazy power of it. However, it´s the pain that better interprets the love feeling. Also, everyone experienced some amount of pain, not all of us know how love feels. Erich Fromm says that the inability to participate in love is the hardest thing for a human being. It´s the pain inside when you leave your love done. It´s the inability to love anymore. It´s the mental change from loving to not loving. The void inside you signalizes that your loved person is not near you. Yes, you keep on loving them but there is no active lovemaking. It´s just remembering and recreating memories of them or you together. In that case, you love the past them, not the present them, cause the presence sucks.  If you argue that you can love from a distance, I think you are shitting yourself and just telling yourself this lie. We are present beings not fucking heart emojis. You love your presence, not Facetime. My point is that you know what love is and how much you love when you are not with the loved person anymore. Is the pain that determines if the „butterflies“ were right or not. How long, how intense, and how painful it is to not be with the person anymore shows how much you loved. You don´t know how much you care for the person until you have them near you. If you want to know how much you love wait for the moment of saying goodbye. Wait for the pain to arrive and see how much you cared and loved and how unabrable it is to be without this person. Of course by that time it´s too late to realize that you should have done things differently or do more. The pain will be even sharper. Enjoy this misery, you loved and you cannot anymore. Don´t worry there are more people to love. Don´t be dicouraged by the pain, you cannot avoid it. And if you want to avoid it, you will have to avoid love. Without love there is only pain. Love is conditional, suffering is inevitable.

This is not a love letter, it´s me waiting for the goodbye moment and what comes after it. How much love there was ? How much pain is waiting for me?