Мраченик, 22 юни 2023 г.

Dear Miś Miś,

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. I miś your touch, I miś your smell and most of all I miś your body and your intellectual capacities. Yes, pun intended - you know me... I like to keep things humorous. You do too, you little bitch! I love your bitchiness too, it kept me skinny and on my toes. Man, I love you so much and it has been months now but it is just impossible to forget you.

I could see us holding hands in Batumi, walking on the beach with our toes in the sand. I could see us eating Ice cream by the nude beach in Trakai, letting you play UNO against your will. I could see us getting drunk at the beach in Hel, listening to your complaints why the HEL I dragged you on to that peninsula with absolutely nothing to do due to a Polish Crime series I watched on Videomax. Yeah, as you see... I did it again. But this doesn't take away from these being moments that could have been, but were never meant to be for reasons beyond my control. I don't control and I will never control you.

There are so many moments I wanted for us to be. Like hugging each other with tears of joy with the killer news of our bank loan that was approved for an off the hook place in Warsaw, or Wrocław... Or even Stalingród. I don't know, a place that we both like, WITH a balcony and far away from that urban highway.

Like making the decision to start a family because you and I would be able to make a beautiful family. Your mum would be happy and my mum would be happy. I would be happy. WE would be happy. But this chance was never even given to me or even considered, it was swept under the rug and I was strung along. You know I never wanted children, so if these emotions came from somewhere it was something to be taken seriously and to be considered. I had five fucking surrogate mothers for god sake!!! People I never sought but came to me. But it is what it is and it will never take away how much I love you.

Promises and commitments, there were so many of them that were made towards me but just taken lightly or never respected. You got away with so much because I didn't care. Those little things about you that you are unaware of just kept me going: I like waking up next to you - You lying there peacefully with a cute little snore. Me flying in from Brussels - You lying on the bed as a dead body mimicking a chalk outline as I would walk into your apartment. I still have to laugh about it now as I write to you. Most of all, I like you getting old. You might have the black don't crack gene as a white person, but I definitely caught you on time as I saw/see your hair turning salt and peppery.

But this relationship was too much for me to carry on my own. You got away with a lot and I gave you the space to do so. I put my life on hold and let yours flourish, yet I was living in your shadow. But besides that I was and still am in love with you. But the rational side of my brain made it clear to me that it was not healthy. A relationship should be team work. I don't want to be babysitting. I hate babysitting, I actually don't but I just hate babysitting someone older than me.

Yet here I am writing my letter, seeming like someone who cannot get over you whilst I have already started dating new people. But besides looks it is hard to find someone like you. Mutual interests and passions are missing, so I just focus on myself and occupy myself with the things I love. I need people around me in order to not think about you, but I do not want people around me because it is important for me to be alone and focus on myself. But whenever I am alone I end up thinking about you. I want to be sitting by the Wisła river with you and a bottle of vodka and laugh at the ridiculous outfits being worn in the renaissance period. All that while we hide the bottle of liquid courage from the police with a battlefield of burned up cigarette buds encircling us. Waking up in the morning, holding your belly and being so grateful for another day we wake up without a hangover. We never have hangovers.

Oooh Miś Miś, how much I miss you and despite all the love I have for you... We will never be together again. That statek has sailed a while ago. From the deepest depth of my heart, I still wish you well and I hope for the best with your (ambitious) future endeavours. But hey, it was not meant to be, but those (almost) five years were memorable. Lest us not forget.

But nevertheless this still remains a declaration of love from me to you ♥ ♥ ♥

Love,

Twój Kochanie

P.S. Bus 666 to Hel no longer operates.